HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! So what will this year will bring? I’m sure it will bring a lot of the same things that last year brought; joy, sadness, anger, frustration, happiness, loss, gain, political angst. The same emotions we all feel throughout the year, just new reasons for feeling them. I expect to feel sadness because of the loss of someone very dear to me. It’s inevitable so the doctor’s say. I need to do the right thing and hop on an airplane to go visit. Why is this so hard for me? Work? Family? Duties? Fear? Here it is, fear. Fear for what I’ll find, fear about what is different in the once vibrant, headstrong, slightly heavier person she was. I saw a photo, and she’s thinner, she’s smiling but there’s tired there. It scares me. When we lose someone who is our peer, a close friend; part of us becomes closer to that unspeakable line too. We are finite, the reality has now been placed at our doorstep. I lost a friend at 24 years old, she died from a brain aneurysm. She went into her bathroom after having lunch with her husband and 2 children, ages 3 and almost 1, and never came out. There was a surrealism to that death because we were so young, but this loss scares me, and it hurts so much. It hurts my soul. When I think about her, I can feel the hurt in my skin and in my muscles. When my friend moved to Florida about 20 years ago we still saw each other fairly often because she had most of her family here, but as time went on her family began moving there and visits became less and less. I had my third child and never heard from her. To this day I don’t know why. I never asked. We reconnected when Facebook became popular, but I never asked her why I did not hear from her after the birth of my child. Maybe I didn’t want to know the answer. We never argued, or even had a slight difference of opinion; at least not that I’m aware of. So we lost quite a few years. I saw her at the first birthday of her grandson. It was as though we never lost touch. Even if we don’t speak often, I cannot imagine a world without her in it. I’m afraid of getting that phone call before I have a chance to get down there. What’s holding me back? Money? No. Time? No. I really don’t know. I have to get down there soon though, then and only then will it be a “Happy New Year.”
via Daily Prompt: Cozy
Cozy = warm, soft, content, comfort, safe, small, round
All of the above come to mind when I think of the word “cozy.” But what cozy is, is not what words I can think of, it’s more of a feeling that I get when I hear that word. I feel wrapped in a soft furry blanket while sitting in a warm velvet chair, a chair who’s sides envelope your shoulders and hips when you sink into it. I envision the feeling of warm soup or hot chocolate (your preference) slipping down my throat, not burning, just warming each muscle and every fiber from my mouth to my stomach. Cozy is the feeling that you imagine your dog or cat feels when they are lying in a ball and the sun-stream is hitting them, that content half in-half out of sleep warmth. That’s my definition of cozy – no words, just a feeling.
This is the post excerpt.
So this is the beginning, and already it’s almost impossible to write without interruption. I have to find a quiet space just for me where I don’t need to wear headphones that are playing Pandora’s “Classical Music to Study By” that I use as background noise to wash out all the surrounding cacophony in my house. Once I can find that space, I can then think of content that I will find inspiring and will give me the push to keep going. Everyone has a New Year’s resolution, even an unspoken one (these are the kind that I usually have, because if I speak them aloud and fail, I get them thrown back into my face.) I think the ones that no one knows about are the best ones anyway – they are the most honest. I have decided to begin blogging. I think this will help me with all my other issues – not that I have too many, but they are my stumbling blocks to moving forward. Santa brought me an Ionic Fitbit – what a tool, it’s a little computer you wear on your wrist that is constantly harassing you to do things you don’t want to do. Don’t let the beautiful sleek design fool you, this piece of jewelry is cruel, it yells at you to move, it calls you fat and lazy, all done digitally and all while attempting to inspire you to move more and eat less. It is a digital dichotomy. After hours setting it up, syncing it to my phone and my computer, the little bugger was ready to ridicule me. First I felt stupid because it was not the easiest website to navigate – or maybe it was just that I wasn’t able to navigate it due to the fact that I am not a digital native. So that’s the first step of ridicule – making one feel stupid, now let’s move on to ridicule number two… enter your weight and height. Now I’ve lied about these numbers for years, when you are less than 5′ 1″ you round up, I know it’s not a far round but it’s my round and it makes me 5′ 1″, and the weight, well I have been 160 lbs. since before my 2nd child (yeah right!) but that’s as much as you’ll get from me. The Fitbit knows the truth and shoves it in my face hourly with a loud “Na na na na na you’re really ___ pounds, now move your ass fatty!” But I will not be posting that for the general public 🙂 So we begin, today, I will blog when I need to vent and something tells me it will be multiple times per day, until I am steady in my move forward. I’ve tried exercise, walking, eating modification, Weight Watchers, no carbs and all to no avail. I’ve never thought of blogging until today. The only thing that truly worked for me was when Weight Watchers demanded that I journal what I ate, so maybe blogging how I feel will work on a lot of the issues at hand. Well Mr. Fitbit is telling me it’s time to go up and down the killer stairs another time. I’m going to attempt to do with once per hour. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow – send the ambulance 😉 First blog post